Part of my Testimony

So here I am, discussing a portion of my life story with a MAN OF GOD who is gonna preach the Word of God one day in the name of Jesus, and it dawns on me: why don't I share this with everybody else out there?
note: what I am about to tell you may be shocking, due to the fact that knowing my background I was raised in church, et cetera, I'm a girl, yadda yadda yadda...But I want all those people out there, young and old but especially the youth to understand God's purpose for your life, and no matter what you've been through or what you're going through, GOD is mighty to save. I'm not concerned about the ones who might judge me because of what I'm about to share, and I'm not concerned with the ones who after reading this will doubt the calling God has over my life. But you wanna know something? Keep doubting, keep talking, Ima keep praising God and walking, because where I'm going, there's no need to pay attention to what others are gonna say. as Pochi says, ama shake it off

Ever since I can remember I had issues with guys. Big issues. I think it stemmed from the dysfunctional relationship I had with my father. I mean I was tight with him, but I don't really remember any solid memories. all I remember is him comin around once in a blue, or promising to show up and him not coming around @ all.

In fifth grade, I was in a car with some people, including my mother and one of the ladies in church, who was driving. I had my sister sitting on my lap, and this brother was sitting to the right of me, and on the opposite side of the car, was this preacher that he came with.

This brother was about 17 years old at the time. and long story short, he basically started feeling me up in the car. I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't know what to do. Something was telling me to yell for help, but something else was telling me that it was okay because it "felt good" so I was just sitting there frozen, and no one noticed

Finally when I built up the strength to tell on him, I told my mom n she believed me, then I told my pastor at the time...but that pastor didn't believe me. 'cause she went to the kid and asked him, and he said that he was "tickling me"

I was upset, confused, angry mad. I was like 9 or 10 years old, and I was so lost. Where was my dad to defend me??? where was God??? how come nobody believed me???

Fast forward a few years later, 12 years old. It is not a coincidence, that in that same year, the Lord had baptized me with His Holy Spirit, and speaking in tongues... Following the technology age, I start to have access to a computer. Lo and behold, someone decides to start downloading certain material on there. Me being the sneaky child that I was, I snooped around, waiting to find something. . . And to this day, I don't even know what I was looking for. It is now that I understand that it was a trap set by the devil.

So there it was: full blown pornography. And I was like what is this??? I shut it off, and then left to my room. But I went back, and started watching it again.

And those feelings came back, the carnal ones I had when that guy molested me. Something continued to draw me into that. And so it continued into a seven year struggle.. .

I couldn't sleep if I didn't watch that stuff. Couldn't function normally at all. My days of going to bed thinking about running around at the playground were over. Lust plagued my mind, my heart, everything. And mind you, I was still in church. But church really wasn't in me anymore... I loved God, I wanted to look for Him, but I felt so tied down, I felt so ashamed because of that. and i let that be an excuse; that I wasn't strong enough to let that go so I couldn't serve God anymore.

I let it take over my life basically. And suffered the consequences...I won't go into full details cuz some of it Im not at liberty to discuss. But at one point I considered prostitution, going bisexual, becoming a lesbian, all because the lust I had build upon more lust. Until one day, I said NO.

(See, the enemy cannot force you to do something that you don't want to. He will lead you into it, persuade you, tell you half truths and try and get to your head and make you THINK that it's all good, but bottom line when it comes to making a choice, he cannot force you to do anything you don't want to do. Once you know how to defeat him in your mind, you're on your way!)

There came a point around last year, summertime to be exact, when I realized that what God had for me was way better than all that WAY WAY WAY better. and that if I wanted to truly be happy, I was going to have to let that go COMPLETELY, not partially...starting with what happened that day, since that was the door the enemy used to step in that area of my life in the first place.

So I did, I forgave him, I said "God I LOOSE this man from my life and every trespass he has committed against me!" and I felt free. Haven't watched pornography since, glory goes to God. what got me into God? His love.

Just the way Ive seen His hand moving in my life, how we would be here at home n not have a cent, but God would touch someone to just show up and be like "God told me to give this 100 dollars to you 'cause you need it....here take it"

Or how in the moments where I felt too weak to live or to heartbroken to do anything, God reminded me of His love, and that kept me going.... Psalms 34:18 says "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." He is what keeps me going, every single day. And to some, it may not make sense as to why I'm here. 'Wow, you were messed up! How do you deserve that?' And friends, that's the BEAUTY of it all, is that I DON'T deserve anything that God has to offer me! I don't deserve anything that He has given me. Only by His neverending, neverfailing, Grace, Love, and Mercy am I standing here today! God loves you. The same way He loves me, and the same way as He loves my brothers and sisters. You are His, He created you with a purpose. Yeah, that's right, YOU! No matter what people tell you, or what they think of you, the only thing that matters is what GOD thinks of you, and trust me, He thinks very highly of you. =]

I am eternally grateful to Him. . .He is what keeps me going day in and day out. And in the words of brother Marvin...."Never would have made it, without You [JESUS]!!!"